Crave

so I just started reading soul cravings by Erwin McManus. I mean literally. like 5 minutes ago I saw it on a bookshelf, went to the cafe at Barnes and Noble, ordered (in fact demanded) an iced mocha, and purchased my book using a Barnes and noble membership card. I sat down and read the intro and it touched on the topic (this is the second page of the intro mind you) of bitterness. which is funny because it has been an unconfronted issue with me as of late. but as I read I felt as if I was sitting in Erwin McManus's office and was being counseled by him. he said," Bitterness is like a cancer that makes you blind. I had allowed my hurt (this is a recollection of his personal experiences) to make my soul toxic. From my end, I was sure that I was becoming a realist."

stop.

First I must tell you that five minutes before the now seven minutes after I purchased this book (that would be twelve minutes for all of you non-counters out there like me) I had stopped in the middle of the aisle of the christian book section and prayed "God I know there is a huge conflict in my soul right now. please help me find a book or come across something that will address whatever it is." I had prayed to God to help me find a book that would help me with my lack of compassion and forgiveness. so the fact that you are reading this right now means that you have read about an answered prayer of mine 12 minutes ago. God works fast when he wants to. second, the part where he says "I was sure I was becoming a realist.", directly applies to me because that's what I have been telling myself until this point in time.

he continues, "In fact I was desensitizing myself. why risk being hurt anymore? I didn't realize I was becoming blind to love. I couldn't see the people around me who really cared." this is another thing that is directly relatable to me. I have become scared of being hurt. I hate when people who are closest to you do something that is deeply wounding and crippling to the soul, and then have no idea that damage has been done and so do not apologize or acknowledge the problem. so I have lately become reclusive. sure I go out in public. I am not afraid of people, in fact I am particularly outgoing. I just am no longer willing to become friendly in a personal way, but completely capable of being social.

you know

always happy

loud but not obnoxious

friendly to everyone

but deep inside there are things that you want to say to everyone that you wont say particularly that you don't believe that they care

and because of that neither do you

It might not be true but at the moment you are blinded by your cynicism and emotionally it is empowering to be angry at this moment in time. so you keep doing it.

later on in about the 3rd section or the book McManus goes through the evolutionary cycle of bitterness. he says," bitterness turned to skepticism, which turned to cynicism, which turned into an emptiness of the soul. bitterness is the enemy of love unconditionally."

which is precisely where I have been for almost four months I would say.

toward the end of the 3rd section Erwin says something that really convicts me right now."when love does not come to you, it breaks your heart, but when you do not give love away it hardens your heart. one thing stranger than our need to be loved is our need to love." the rest of the chapter it's almost as if he is leading you (or at least where he lead me) toward the conclusion that we were created as vessels of love. but not just so that we may receive love, but so that we may give love out. we were made to love. and love. and keep on loving. and it hurts me because I really have a hard time loving people. I don't want to say that I can't love. because I think that that is an excuse.

so I wont say that.

I don't want to love anyone unless they give me something back. that's called conditional love. and it's not the way of jesus.
while we were created to give and to receive love and it is natural to wish for love in return, we were created to desire love back, it is not always our natural response to want to love first. or to show love back.
"the human heart
was not created
to be a container
for hate."
or maybe the most profoundly put statement in chapter five,

"we live in a time where the most terrifying bomb is not a nuclear one, but a human one. this is where humanity has come. this is how far we have evolved. we strap bombs around our chests, lure innocents into our presence, and then consider ourselves heros as we destroy everything around us. If this were not bad enough, for some it has become a proof of their spirituality."

think about this in figurative terms. we have become like emotional bombs. waiting to explode. and in some cases it reflects on us so much that some of us actually strap literal bombs to us and proclaim destruction in the name of a god. there are millions of people with these kinds of emotional explosions. and they effect everyone around them. they are an emotional downer and a physical embodiment of the opposite of what we were created for.

I wonder if I am an emotional bomb.

I mean how many times do we go around spreading our negative thoughts?

opinions

attitudes

or even habits?

it's something for both of us to think about...